Beard World Cup Final

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Final

Cameroon 1 – 3 Greece

Greece are the World Beard Champions!

One of the big favourites didn’t disappoint against surprise opponents Cameroon who have done magnificently to get this far.

First of all a mention to Cameroon, who qualified top of their group ahead of the hosts and went on the run of their lives to reach the final. Their star player was goalkeeper Itandje. A fine, strong beard accentuated by short hair that saved the Indomitable Lions on many occasions.

But Greece had a strength in depth that no one else could match. Whilst there were better individual stand out beards elsewhere in the tournament, as a team, Greece simply couldn’t be beaten, with plenty of beards on the bench to back them up.

Greece often started games with 5 or 6 beards on the pitch, something no other team could match.

Led well from the front by captain Georgios Samaras, he recieved plenty of support from the likes of bad-boy Panagiotis Kone, the streamlined Dimitrios Salpingidis, the tidy Ioannis Maniatis, the sexy Orestis Karnezis, the fuzzy Konstantinos Mitroglou, the short Konstantinos Katsouranis and the vaguely frightening Georgios Tzavelas.

Beard World Cup Semi Finals

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Finals
Final

Cameroon 1 – 0 Italy

Most pundits thought Cameroon had done fantastically well to get this far, but to beat one of the favourites have made people sit up and take notice. This Cameroon team is the real deal, and who could have predicted that before the tournament? The Italians are one of the all time great beardy teams, still a long way to go to beat their rugby counterparts, but very entertaining led of course by the big man Andrea Pirlo and his stylish sexy beard.

Spain 1 – 2 Greece (aet)

Huge game in the Beard World Cup semi-finals as two more hirsute heavyweights go head to head. Spain are of course famous for their classy beard game, keeping it short and simple and not letting the opponent get a look in. Contrast that with the brash, aggressive Greek beards and you’ve got a great game. After going behind early, the Greeks dug in, got a late equaliser which destroyed the Spanish self beard belief and went on to score the winner in injury time. Xabi Alonso will not be happy to retire without one last trophy.

The final:

Cameroon vs Greece

Beard World Cup Quarter Finals

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Finals
Final

USA 0 – 1 Greece

The biggest match of the tournament so far. Huge support from the USA flocked to wherever it is that this theoretical Beard World Cup is taking place. Tim Howard led the team from the back, with Jones and Beckerman providing fantastic support. However, it wasn’t enough to break down the Greeks who ground out a narrow victory. USA have plenty to be proud of, and will be aiming for the semis in four years time.

Italy 3 – 2 Bosnia

No-one expected Bosnia, led by Medunjanin, to get this far, with most pundits unable to name a single bearded Bosnian before the tournament. Unfortunately, against the pedigree of Italy they just couldn’t get ahead. The plucky Balkan squad counter attacked brilliantly to equalise twice but Italy always looked in control.

Cameroon 2 – 0 Iran

These teams had very different second round matches, and the extra time and penalties against Switzerland really took its toll on Iran. Cameroon, barely out of second gear breezed past the likes of Dejagah to reach the semi finals. The Indomitable Lions are starting to be tipped as potential winners…

Portugal 1 – 4 Spain

The Iberian Derby that everyone was looking forward to ended up being a bit of a whitewash for the Spanish. Other than a stunning solo goal from many people’s Beard of the Tournament Raul Meireles, the Spanish never looked troubled and scored for fun.

Beard World Cup Second Round

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Final
Final

It’s knockout time in the Beard World Cup, this is where things get serious.

Cameroon 4 -0 The Netherlands

Plenty of depth to the Cameroonian side see them comfortably through. The Netherlands had a few lightly bearded players, but without a star player to rely on were always going out early.

Brazil 1 – 2 Spain

Spain, despite not being at their best, still manage to overcome the hosts causing riots, and barbers to be attacked in the streets. Luis Gustavo’s moustache encapsulated the sexy image of Brazil, but not to be outdone, Fred weighed in with this effort.

Greece 4 – 0 England

You don’t want to face Greece this early in a beard tournament, and true to form they, including Karnezis, were relentless against England who relied almost solely on youngsters Lallana and 18-year-old Luke Shaw.

Ivory Coast 2 -3 Italy (aet)

A closer game than most pundits predicted, but Ivory Coast’s over-reliance on goatees left them exhausted after 90 minutes and the Italians, with Daniele De Rossi, managed to stylishly claim the victory. Didier Drogba a massive fuzzy highlight.

Switzerland 2 – 2 Iran (Iran win 5-3 on penalties)

Switzerland were a big surprise package and flew in under the radar. They battled valiantly through the group stages with Mehmedi and Behrami’s bad boy beards, but ultimately the experience and strength in depth of the Iranians just barely overcame them.

Bosnia & Herzegovina 3 – 1 France

An entertaining ding-dong battle between two teams making the most of what they had. France’s over reliance on the bizarre hair/beard combo of Benzema proved to be their undoing. Bosnia surprisingly strong with Kolasinac popping up with a decider in injury time.

USA 2 – 1 Algeria

An even game throughout, but the rather shallow beards of the Algerians let them down in the end. Goalkeeper M’Bolhi badly let down by his defence allowing the USA to control the game.

Portugal 1 – 0 Belgium (aet)

Portugal managed to block out every Belgian attack playing a negative game, even from the likes of Steven Defour, as the sheer creepiness of Hugo Almeida’s moustache kept them at bay. Belgium played valiantly, but we get the feeling 2018 will be their tournament.

 

The quarter final draw:

USA v Greece

Italy v Bosnia

Cameroon v Iran

Portugal v Spain

Beard World Cup Groups G & H

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Final
Final

Group G

Qualify:
USA
Portugal

Out:
Germany
Ghana

USA

So the Americans are finally getting into football? Bring them on I say! American sports have a great tradition of beards and appear to be bringing it with them. Former Beard of the Month winner Tim Howard has got the beard back, and Jones, Beckerman and Beasley look good too.

 

Portugal

Raul Meireles has seriously upped the beardy stakes with one of the longest, thickest beards I’ve seen on a football pitch. Almeida’s moustache, while commendable, is possibly ill-advised, but Neto and Vierinha provide adequate backup.

 

 

Germany

“Never underestimate the Germans at a World Cup”. Unless it’s a Beard World Cup, in which case you probably can. Most Germans a picture of clean-shaven efficiency apart from Khedira and Hummels.

 

Ghana

Kevin Prince-Boateng is often the centre of some controversy or other, and his goatee possibly counts as controversial. Unfortunately that’s as good as it gets for the Ghanaian team. Essien sports a more orthodox but less interesting goatee.

 

Group H

Qualify:
Belgium
Algeria

Out:
Russia
South Korea

Belgium

The ‘dark horses’. The future stars. The ‘hipster team’ to support. Apparently. Either way, they’re a pretty strong team. Anthony Vanden Borre caused a stir on Twitter after just the briefest flash on the bench (not that kind of flash). Also, Defour, Mertens and Dembele.

 

Algeria

Algeria feature another impressively bearded goalkeeper. An excellent idea for that little bit of extra protection between the sticks. I haven’t been able to see much of this team in action, but this smattering of beards should stand them in good stead.

 

Russia

When you think of Russia you think of long, cold nights, hard-driving snow and big burly men sipping vodka. These men may be numerous in Russia, but alas not in the Russian football team. The best I could do you was Zhirkov, and that’s not going to keep him warm is it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

South Korea

The most offensively unbearded team I’ve ever seen. Had to include Jangwoo Park for comedy purposes as the very best his country could produce.

 

 

Beard World Cup Groups E & F

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Final
Final

Group E

Qualify:
Iran
Bosnia & Herzegovina

Out:
Argentina
Nigeria

Iran

Surprisingly disappointing for a team from a Muslim nation. Possibly a bit of a stereotypical view, but I expected more. Led well by Dejagah with Haghighi, Haji Safi and Ghoochannejad.

 

Bosnia

Second place in this gorup was a close call, mostly because the other teams were pretty poor. I was not at all impressed by Bosnia’s first outing, but as the games have rolled by, they’ve started to pick themselves up, especially Pjanic, Medunjanin, Kolasinac and Bicakcic.

Argentina

Very poor from Argentina, fortunately for them, they had Lavezzi and Higuain to drag them off the bottom spot.

 

Nigeria

No standout beard performance from the African champions. Oh, there was stubble, and neckbeards and some general fuzz but I just couldn’t get excited by any of it.

 

 

Group F

Qualify:
France
Switzerland

Out:
Honduras
Ecudaor

Switzerland

Surprise package of the tournament for me. Not sure why I didn’t expect much, but some sterling efforts including Mehmedi, Djourou, Rodriguez and Behrami.

 

France

The French seemed to have stopped arguing amongst themselves and got down to the serious business of growing beards. A decent effort from Lloris, Benzema, Cabaye and Evra, but more length needed to challenge for silverware.

Honduras & Ecuador

Thoroughly beaten by France and Switzerland and would played out a -1 all draw between themselves. When these two teams lined up against each other, there wasn’t a single beard in either starting XI. Separating them would be a pointless exercise.

 

 

 

Beard World Cup Groups C & D

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Final
Final

Group C

Qualify:
Greece
Ivory Coast

Out:
Colombia
Japan

Greece

Pre-tournament favourites Greece coast through their group starting each game with a majority of bearded players. The beards clearly supporting their defensive style, here’s Karnezis, Mitroglou, Kone, and Samaras showing off his beard control.

Ivory Coast

African teams are generally described as big/strong/physical. Well, from a beard point of view this seems to be the case. Drogba’s beard got better game by game, backed up by Barry, Zokora & Gervinho.

 

Colombia

Almost a no-show from the Colombians, only token efforts from Aguilar and Martinez worth mentioning.

 

Japan

A smattering of chin beards amongst the Japanese team, but too depressing to go to the bother of posting. Must try harder.

Group D

Qualify:
Italy
England

Out:
Costa Rica
Uruguay

Italy

The Italians always bring a strong and stylish bearded game and led by Pirlo make an almost unstoppable force. Here’s Pirlo, with Barzagli, De Rossi and Marchisio.

 

England

England scrape their way through thanks to their final group game and a rotation of players. The best was from the youngest player at the tournament, Luke Shaw. Lallana, Gerrard and Sturridge (just) were the best of the rest.

 

Uruguay

Uruguay had something odd going on. The only two weird chin line beards in the tournament were Uruguayan, and I can’t really say I’m happy about them. Cavani and Arevalo wobviously exploiting top Uruguayan fashion. Maybe.

 

Costa Rica

So much for the surprise of the tournament, BeardWatch remains unmoved by these clean-shaven Central Americans.

 

 

 

Beard World Cup Groups A & B

Groups A & B
Groups C & D
Groups E & F
Groups G & H
Second Round
Quarter Finals
Semi Final
Final

Group A

Qualify:
Cameroon
Brazil

Out:
Croatia
Mexico

Cameroon

Just about hold off Brazil to top the group with key performances led by the mighty goalkeeper Itandje and ably assisted by Assou Ekotto, Song and Nkoulou.

 

 

 

Brazil

The hosts go through with beards spread throughout the squad but had an excellent late surge in the group stage from Neymar, the moustaches of Fred and Luis Gustavo, along with Hulk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Croatia

Disappointing from the Croats with their rugged Eastern European swagger. Pletikosa the poor highlight.

Mexico

In the first game of their World Cup, the Mexican XI did not include even a scrap of stubble. Not a good word to say about them.

Group B

Qualify:
Spain
The Netherlands

Out:
Chile
Australia

Spain

I kept hearing some nonsense about Spain losing, but looking at their lineup I’m not sure how that’s possible. Alonso plays his last game for Spain, Villa finally grows out that stupid soul patch, with Ramos’ and Pique’s reliably strong fuzz.

 

 

 

The Netherlands

A smattering of facial hair across this Dutch team with few standout examples. I’m focussing on the goatees of De Jong and Lens, with Blind and Vlaar.

 

Chile

A mostly beardless outfit, Arturo Vidal shining briefly, but that was about it.

Australia

Didn’t even make an effort. A gutless, baby-faced performance from a supposedly nation of manly men. As your Dad would say when you’d really done something bad: “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”